Who am I?
There is one question that has haunted me for as long as I can remember: Who am I?
Recently I had lunch with a good friend. After lunch we walked around the neighborhood he grew up in. It was mesmerizing to listen as he pointed out houses and parks while telling stories of friends, neighbors and events. It was clear that his neighborhood shaped his identity.
For the past few months I have been reacquainting myself with one of the Old Testament’s greatest heroes — Moses. I think I find myself drawn to him because, like me, he had an identity issue. He was born into a Jewish slave family, but raised in the king’s court as an Egyptian. Later in life he attempted to protect his Jewish people only to be rejected. Out of fear and confusion he ran to another country and took up shepherding. You can find this story in Exodus 1-3.
Last fall during our staff gathering, we were led through the Enneagram. This is a personality test that organizes people around nine different ways of seeing and experiencing the world. Over the years I have been exposed to many different personality inventories. For the most part they have played a significant role in helping me to understand how I am wired. But they all seem to fail at answering the big question — who am I?
My passport says that I am a Canadian, but I have spent my entire adult life in the USA. The ordination certificate on my office wall says I am a Mennonite, but I attend a non-denominational, Pentecostal-leaning, Hispanic church. I have friends who think of me as an evangelical while others say “not a chance, he has gone off the liberal deep end.” For the past two decades I have lived in a neighborhood that some would describe as “the hood,” but I grew up in northern British Columbia and I am not even sure what “the hood” means.
I am a white, straight, Christian male. People have pointed out that this means I am a person of great power. I get to go through life without much fear. For example, I am a green-card-carrying immigrant, but because of what I bring to the table by simply being born white I do not have to fear expulsion or exclusion.
From the outside, I am a person of power and privilege. But when I am alone, I do not feel this power and privilege. Rather, there is a deep sense of confusion. My time on the West Side of Denver, my neighbors and my church have influenced and changed who I am. The changes have been life-altering; I no longer feel at home in my white, Canadian, Mennonite culture. At the same time, I am not a person of color. I appreciate Pentecostalism, but it is not me either.
I cannot help but wonder if the greatest need for western culture is more social martyrs, people cut off from their roots, background and culture. People destined to be strangers in a strange land. After all, isn’t this the point of Philippians 2:6? Paul talks about Jesus giving up his identity, power and privilege. It was only after giving it up that salvation could become a real possibility.
Glenn Balzer is the executive director of the DOOR (Discovering Opportunities for Outreach and Reflection) Network and attends His Love Fellowship in Denver. He blogs at glennbalzer.com, where this post first appeared.
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